Comedy

“Comrades, our nation is completely bankrupt. We have no choice but to abandon communism… I know, I know, I know, but we all knew from day one this mumbo jumbo wouldn’t fly”
-The Simpsons’ portrayal of Fidel Castro

“I phoned up the spiritual leader of Tibet, and he sent me a large goat with a long neck. Turns out I’d phoned Dial-a-Llama.”
-Milton Jones

“I’ve just come back from Australia… While I was there I learnt some Aborigine words, like “boo”, which means “to return”, ’cause when you throw an ordinary merang…”
-Milton Jones

“I’ve been trying to be fit, you know, by taking no exercise whatsoever, followed by a lovely big slice of cake.”
– Ardal O’Hanlon

“I’ve been reading the news about there being a civil war in Madagascar. Well, I’ve seen it six times and there isn’t.”
– Dan Antopolski

“While John was playing that beatiful song, with his heart, I was puking behind an amp.”
– Flea

“You annoy me, therefore I exist.”
– some bloke I don’t know the name of in the movie Defiance

“So this is engineering… where the noble semi-skilled laborers execute the vision of those who think and dream. Hello oompa loompas of science.”
– Sheldon Cooper (The Big Bang Theory)

“It’s quite sort of a limiting campaign, to ‘Love Music, Hate Racism’.
Can’t I hate both?
Because sometimes I don’t love music, like when I hear that When You Believe song by Leon from the X-Factor, I think: that song’s a bit worse than racism.”
– Simon Amstell (Never Mind The Buzzcocks)

“I don’t want to make any huge generalisations about women, you know, I’m not here to do that, it’s vulgar.
But all I’ll say is that they have no feelings, because it’s actually men, you’ll find, who are far more romantic.
Men are the people you will hear say: “I’ve found somebody. She’s amazing. If I don’t get to be with this person… I can’t carry on… I mean it. She’s totally transformed my life. I have a job, I have a flat; it means nothing. I can’t stand it. I have to be with her, because if I don’t I’m going to end up in some bedsit, I’ll be alcoholic, I’ll have itchy trousers…”

That is how women feel about shoes.”
– Dylan Moran (Monster)

“Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is: never try.”
– Homer Simpson (The Simpsons)

“Where did you get those clothes? At the toilet store?”
– Brick Tamland (Anchorman)

“I feel like I’m a nice driver… you know, I do try my best on the the road. I feel like I’m a knight of the road, helping people out, you know, I let people out: “Yeah come on, join us, you’re alright, come on, come on…

Where’s me thank you wave?”
– Jason Manford (Live at the Apollo)

“Abba: gay. Wonderwoman: gay. The Village People… It’s almost as if the gay community got divorced from the straight community 15 years ago and went “right we’re leaving and we’re taking the good CDs with us. We’ve got Frankie Goes To Hollywood, Kylie Minogue, Duran Duran… you can keep Europe.””
– Adam Hills (Live at the Apollo)